I CAN'T SEE THEM COMING DOWN MY EYES

I CAN’T SEE THEM COMING DOWN MY EYES

Another night of tossing and turning
And of course, my thoughts are on full blast
Why now? I think I deserve a full night’s rest
But I gotta suck it up and dry my eyes cause
I can’t see them coming down my eyes

Here we go again another bill
When does the bills stop?
Will I ever get caught up?
It never seems like I will
Rent, utilities, daycare etc.
How in the hell will I ever catch up?
Living paycheck to paycheck
But I gotta figure it out and dry my eyes cause
I can’t see them coming down my eyes

I feel like I’m failing my kids
I see my coworkers more than my own kids
Both kids hate their new school
My son is having trouble academically
By the time I get in from work its bed time
I wanna be a full-time mom but financially I can’t
I feel like a terrible mom
But, what can I do but dry my eyes?
Cause I can’t see them coming down eyes

I’m on an emotional roller-coaster
I’ve had it up to here and at my breaking point
The anxiety is building and at this point anything will set me off
The over thinking has gotten to me
And now I’m on the bus
Hood up and tears in my eyes
I needed the cry it’s been fighting to come out
I give myself a pep talk
Get yourself together and dry your eyes cause
I can’t let THEM see them coming down my eyes.

S.T.E.M (Dance Logic)

Being from, West Philly 56th and Girard to be exact, as a child I never have seen any opportunities that were geared towards the children in my neighborhood. There was a lack of organizations, after-school programs, and extra curricula activities. Growing up in West Philly no one ever made it cool to look outside the norm when it came to exploring different activities. Of course there was playing basketball or cheerleading, but what was there for the kids who didn't fit those norms? At that time I didn’t understand the importance of exploring different avenues, learning new things, meeting new people, and having different opportunities. Now that I’m an adult with two kids of school age, it has finally forced me to understand the importance that outside influences have on your children. So recently I was pleasantly surprised when I learned about a program that just happens to be in my own neighborhood called S.T.E.M. S.T.E.M, which stands for science technology engineering arts and Mathematics, is a program that’s offered to young women of color from the ages of 13 to 18. S.T.E.M gives these young women the opportunity not only to learn different styles of dance but also gives them the opportunity to learn computer coding which is something out of the norm for most kids in urban cities. After each dance session, classes are followed by an hour of coding class; combining the two was genius because dancing sparks the young women’s interest in coding. During coding classes, the girls get to see just how much coding and dance have in common. Although many people might not think that dance and coding coincide with each other, you'll be shocked to learn the similarities that they have. Just like with dancing you have to practice coding continuously until you get it right, and it sort of becomes second nature to you. When you see the similarities occurring, these girls start to believe that they could do anything they want as long as they put their mind to it and are willing to practice and practice until it’s something they could do with their eyes closed. After reading up on this program it filled me with so much hope. The youth in Philadelphia is finally getting the chance to excel. They’re finally getting a chance to explore different avenues when it comes to picking a possible career choice, and it gives the Youth of Philadelphia a chance to broaden their horizons. They have the chance to dream bigger than what the norm is and to show them that they don’t have to go with the popular choice. You can be that computer guy, an engineer, a scientist, a doctor, a mathematician, and you can be that lawyer. I can say that I’m really proud of the individuals that came together to start a program for these young girls. I’m proud of the people that seen potential in these young girls and sought out to help them reach their goals. I commend you all and I can’t wait to see where these girls go in life.

The amazing teachers that work with these intelligent girls are:
Shanel Edwards (Dance Teacher)
Annie Fortenberry(Dance Teacher)
Franklyn Athias(Coding)
Location: Community Education Center 3500 Lancaster Ave Philadelphia Pa

Pieces

Pieces

“I deserve more than just a little part
I don't want nothing, if I can't have it all
I ain't even gonna play with something I can't keep
I want the whole thing, or forget about me” – Tamar Braxton

As my followers might already know from previous blog entries yall know that I have been in a long distance with my boyfriend of four years for about six months now. He moved out to Atlanta start training for his new career as Atlanta PD; now when he first went out there y’all Omg I was a whole mess I cried my little eyes out I was spoiled and too use to him being with me almost every night. I wasn’t sure how I would transition to him being so far away. So, when I first found out he would be moving out there I made it perfectly clear to him that I wasn’t going to do this long-distance thing for a long time although I wasn’t trying to pressure him, I felt like decisions needed to be made. Fast forward to present time after many arguments and disagreements about the next step in are relationship regarding if I would move out to Atlanta with him, I decided to stop bringing up the issue because like I said I didn’t wanna keep making it seem like I was forcing him to do something he didn’t wanna do. So recently were having a conversation and out of the blue he says ‘you and the kids mind as well come out here I’m gonna start looking for houses. Omg gosh yall I wanted to do cartwheels because that’s all I been wanting to hear from the past six months that he was ready to make full commitment; ready to take all of me not just a piece of me. So, after that conversation I was feeling good about where things were going so, I texted him an told him we needed to talk because I wanted to plan out how the move would happen because I would need to find a job, enroll the kids in a new school, and pack up my apartment. So, once we begin to talk, I could instantly hear the doubt and hesitation in his voice, so this is where I start to get pissed because I’m not for the wishy-washy feelings. He starts off by saying that he wants to focus on his training first and then he starts saying he’s not sure if he wanna give up his freedom totally, and yall could see me at this point steam was coming from my head because MR! when you got with me mind you four years ago! you knew for the lack of a better word consequences of dating a girl with children. When you date a woman with kids, they are part of the package there’s no if, ands or buts about it, we’re a package you can’t have Pieces of me you take all my baggage or nothing at all. At this point I’m fuming because the next series of excuse are just anything to say like who’s gonna watch the kids,  where would I work, and what if I was to get pregnant(pause! who planned on getting pregnant not me sir!) ; like dude are serious of course I would have to get those things in place that’s my reason for planning in the first place. I just started to become overcome with so many emotions; I was instantly disappointed because I truly thought he was serious about us moving forward. After the disappointment started anger began to sit in like why would he ever have the audacity to play around with my heart, because when I love I love hard, I felt like I was being taken for granted like I am being strung along. I felt like I was being used in a sense; I felt like it was only a piece of my life he was willing to deal with, like its ok to be with as long as you’re not totally with me I felt like he wanted to have his cake and eat it to. I was feed up with him; I know deep down in my heart that he’s the one for me and my kids, I kinda see myself as a hopeless romantic searching for my king and I’m pretty sure I found him, but I can’t go on opening myself fully to him when he only gives me Pieces!

WHILE!

Too often single mothers are accused of being bitter and still stuck on wanting to be with your child’s father, but in my opinion being bitter has nothing to do with it. It’s just all that stress of doing everything by yourself that’s piled up on your shoulders and everybody takes it for attitude. I was inspired to write this post because two people that are very close to me are dealing with two different stages in life that I went through. The first person was dealing with their pregnancy with little to no support from the father. The second person was still staying in a toxic relationship, dealing with little to no support, and basically doing it all by themselves. So in the famous words of Drake I’ll tell those two people that are close to me and to all the other mothers out there doing ya thing “that’s a real one in your reflection without a follow without a mention you really Pimpin up on these n***** we got to be nice for what to look to these n****"

You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I carry this baby I still get up each morning for work
While u stay home and do what u want
While u still have a life and friends
While you come and go as you please
You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I push this baby out bearing all the pain
While my body has changed
While I get up in the middle of the night to nurse the baby
While u lay there as if u don’t hear the cry's
While I still get up at 5am for work
You call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I struggle to pay the bills
While I struggle to figure out where our next meal is coming from
While u spend money on new sneakers, dude are u for real
You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I stay home faithfully day in and day out
While I cry each night wondering what I did wrong
While I blame myself
While you're promiscuous
You call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I get fed up
While I find myself worth
While I pack up and leave
While I look in the mirror and tell myself you got this
Watch me leave and never turn back!

My mind is playing tricks on me

Most days I’m up at 6:15 in the morning taking the kids to school, going to work for 8 hours, and most times I’m not off until about 9:30 or  10:00 p.m. After I get off work, I go pick the kids up and then we go home. After having a long day, all I want to do is jump in the bed and go right to sleep. But no, when it comes to my subconscious my mind likes to play tricks on me. As soon as I’m underneath my covers, all cozy, lights and TV off,  kids in the bed, and I’m ready to shut my eyes and go to sleep...Nope, I’m stopped in my tracks because of course my mind starts playing tricks on me. I go from being cozy in my bed, to being stretched wide out, and eyes wide open. Sometimes tossing and turning turns into being balled up trying to find any comfortable position just to get me asleep; but of course my subconscious won’t let me go to sleep because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. My whole day starts to play out in my head like what I could have done, what I should have done, what would have been a better solution to this or that, and I try my hardest to block it all out. Maybe closing my eyes just a little bit tighter might work, but of course it won’t work because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. Next is the list of bills that needs to be paid. What bills can I pay this week? What bill can be put on the back burner? How am I going to get the kids tuition paid this month? Do I have enough money to still have fun with the kids this month? Do I have enough money for the necessities we need to get through this month? At this point I turn to my left side and close my eyes a little tighter hoping I can finally fall asleep, but of course I can’t because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. At this point it's probably going on 12 a.m. in the morning and I’m still up and now I’m thinking about who’s going to watch the kids for me this weekend. Who’s going to pick the kids up for me after school? At this point I’m fed up and I turn to my right side, squeeze my eyes as tight as I can, and hope that maybe I’ll finally fall asleep, but of course I can’t because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. I finally realize I’m not going to sleep so let’s try to find out some type of solution. So I work out most of the problems in my head scheduling bill payments and etc. Just when I thought I had all my problems solved, and I can finally go to sleep, I was wrong because the next problem trickles right down into that spot. So, of course I still can’t sleep because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. It’s finally about 1 a.m. and I guess my subconscious is finally deciding to let me be and I finally go to sleep. Now I’m only getting about 7 hours of sleep just because my mind decided it wanted to play tricks on me.

Time and Distance

Now, if y'all been following my blog than y'all know that my boyfriend of four years recently moved to Atlanta to join the Atlanta Police department. Now, we're both from Philly and me and the kids stayed behind (Isaiah and Imani are my children). So, Atlanta is 12 hours away driving and more with all the stops in between. Flights are 2 hours, but the way my pockets are set up and the prices of the airlines, I won’t be taking any flights this summer. The day he left y'all, I tried so hard to keep it together because I was trying to be strong and at times I hate showing emotion. I helped him pack up his car, made sure he had everything, and as the time got closer and closer for him to get in that car I just felt all my emotions starting to come to the surface getting ready to boil over. As we stood there hugging, kissing, and saying our "I'll miss u's", my vision started to become blurry and I knew that tears would soon follow; so in that moment I said my last bye and walked away. At that exact moment my mom called me to see what I was up to and that's when the overflow started, and I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer, and I just balled my eyes out. As most moms do, she comforted me and told me everything will be fine. After getting off the phone with her I went to my room and just cried for a few minutes because I couldn't stay sad for long. I had to jump back into mommy mode, get the kids together, and get ready for work. Fast-forward to now, its officially been a month and four days since I seen him and I miss him so much; it’s hard to go from seeing him about 6 days a week, to not seeing him at all. We don't even video chat because we have two different phone services. I'm cheap so I have metro PCs and he has an iPhone. We talk and text everyday, but it’s still not the same as having him right next to me. As the days have gone by it has gotten a little easier accepting that things are different and will be different for a while; although I'm completely and totally ready to make that move to be with him I made a conscience decision not to push the issues and let things happen organically. I'm apart of a woman’s group and I asked the question, "has anyone ever been in a long distance relationship and if so, for how long and did it work out?". The advice I got was that there has to be lots of communication and constant visits and that if we both want this, things will work out naturally. I totally believe that and believe that things will happen in due time (although I needs it to happen now LOL), but I'm willing to take this journey with my honey bunny. And guess what guys?! He's coming home this weekend for my mom’s wedding and I might let y'all know how that goes lol

Best-Friends

I can truly say that as I have gotten older my sisters have become my best friends and I have never felt as close to them as I have felt over the past couple years. Now I’m the oldest of four girls and of course at a young age your sisters can drive you insane; and trust me we did have our moments when we would be at each other throats, fighting and at times not even talking to each other. Even through all that I was still the big sister and sometimes played the second mom role when our mom was working; I would cook dinner, wash clothes and thing I hated the most and they could all tell y’all this and that was braid their hair ugh I hated doing hair; I even messed my sister hair up on purpose once so that my mom would stop making me do their hair, my sister was pissed but it worked LOL. Fast-forward to our adult years and although we had some rough patches we have always been there for one another, being a single mom is 100% hard all the time and my sisters are like three other parents to Isaiah and Imani; they help me when I need someone to watch them so that I can go to work, they help me with expenses, whatever I might need they’re there to help no matter what. I don’t know what I would do without any of them and I’m loving how strong our bonds have gotten over the years. I know I rarely show emotions but I love all my sisters Ebony, Andrea, and Momo, so in the words of Brandy because this song makes me think of yall.
“I don't know what I'd ever do without you
From the beginning to the end
You've always been here by my side
So I'll call you my best friend
Through the good times and the bad ones
Whether I lose or if I win
I know one thing that never changes and
That's you as my best friend”