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Monday, December 10, 2018

S.T.E.M (Dance Logic)




Being from, West Philly 56th and Girard to be exact, as a child I never have seen any opportunities that were geared towards the children in my neighborhood. There was a lack of organizations, after-school programs, and extra curricula activities. Growing up in West Philly no one ever made it cool to look outside the norm when it came to exploring different activities. Of course there was playing basketball or cheerleading, but what was there for the kids who didn't fit those norms? At that time I didn’t understand the importance of exploring different avenues, learning new things, meeting new people, and having different opportunities. Now that I’m an adult with two kids of school age, it has finally forced me to understand the importance that outside influences have on your children. So recently I was pleasantly surprised when I learned about a program that just happens to be in my own neighborhood called S.T.E.M. S.T.E.M, which stands for science technology engineering arts and Mathematics, is a program that’s offered to young women of color from the ages of 13 to 18. S.T.E.M gives these young women the opportunity not only to learn different styles of dance but also gives them the opportunity to learn computer coding which is something out of the norm for most kids in urban cities. After each dance session, classes are followed by an hour of coding class; combining the two was genius because dancing sparks the young women’s interest in coding. During coding classes, the girls get to see just how much coding and dance have in common. Although many people might not think that dance and coding coincide with each other, you'll be shocked to learn the similarities that they have. Just like with dancing you have to practice coding continuously until you get it right, and it sort of becomes second nature to you. When you see the similarities occurring, these girls start to believe that they could do anything they want as long as they put their mind to it and are willing to practice and practice until it’s something they could do with their eyes closed. After reading up on this program it filled me with so much hope. The youth in Philadelphia is finally getting the chance to excel. They’re finally getting a chance to explore different avenues when it comes to picking a possible career choice, and it gives the Youth of Philadelphia a chance to broaden their horizons. They have the chance to dream bigger than what the norm is and to show them that they don’t have to go with the popular choice. You can be that computer guy, an engineer, a scientist, a doctor, a mathematician, and you can be that lawyer. I can say that I’m really proud of the individuals that came together to start a program for these young girls. I’m proud of the people that seen potential in these young girls and sought out to help them reach their goals. I commend you all and I can’t wait to see where these girls go in life.
The amazing teachers that work with these intelligent girls are:
Shanel Edwards (Dance Teacher)
Annie Fortenberry(Dance Teacher)
Franklyn Athias(Coding)
Location: Community Education Center 3500 Lancaster Ave Philadelphia Pa


Thursday, November 29, 2018

Pieces

Pieces

“I deserve more than just a little part
I don't want nothing, if I can't have it all
I ain't even gonna play with something I can't keep
I want the whole thing, or forget about me” – Tamar Braxton


As my followers might already know from previous blog entries yall know that I have been in a long distance with my boyfriend of four years for about six months now. He moved out to Atlanta start training for his new career as Atlanta PD; now when he first went out there y’all Omg I was a whole mess I cried my little eyes out I was spoiled and too use to him being with me almost every night. I wasn’t sure how I would transition to him being so far away. So, when I first found out he would be moving out there I made it perfectly clear to him that I wasn’t going to do this long-distance thing for a long time although I wasn’t trying to pressure him, I felt like decisions needed to be made. Fast forward to present time after many arguments and disagreements about the next step in are relationship regarding if I would move out to Atlanta with him, I decided to stop bringing up the issue because like I said I didn’t wanna keep making it seem like I was forcing him to do something he didn’t wanna do. So recently were having a conversation and out of the blue he says ‘you and the kids mind as well come out here I’m gonna start looking for houses. Omg gosh yall I wanted to do cartwheels because that’s all I been wanting to hear from the past six months that he was ready to make full commitment; ready to take all of me not just a piece of me. So, after that conversation I was feeling good about where things were going so, I texted him an told him we needed to talk because I wanted to plan out how the move would happen because I would need to find a job, enroll the kids in a new school, and pack up my apartment. So, once we begin to talk, I could instantly hear the doubt and hesitation in his voice, so this is where I start to get pissed because I’m not for the wishy-washy feelings. He starts off by saying that he wants to focus on his training first and then he starts saying he’s not sure if he wanna give up his freedom totally, and yall could see me at this point steam was coming from my head because MR! when you got with me mind you four years ago! you knew for the lack of a better word consequences of dating a girl with children. When you date a woman with kids, they are part of the package there’s no if, ands or buts about it, we’re a package you can’t have Pieces of me you take all my baggage or nothing at all. At this point I’m fuming because the next series of excuse are just anything to say like who’s gonna watch the kids,  where would I work, and what if I was to get pregnant(pause! who planned on getting pregnant not me sir!) ; like dude are serious of course I would have to get those things in place that’s my reason for planning in the first place. I just started to become overcome with so many emotions; I was instantly disappointed because I truly thought he was serious about us moving forward. After the disappointment started anger began to sit in like why would he ever have the audacity to play around with my heart, because when I love I love hard, I felt like I was being taken for granted like I am being strung along. I felt like I was being used in a sense; I felt like it was only a piece of my life he was willing to deal with, like its ok to be with as long as you’re not totally with me I felt like he wanted to have his cake and eat it to. I was feed up with him; I know deep down in my heart that he’s the one for me and my kids, I kinda see myself as a hopeless romantic searching for my king and I’m pretty sure I found him, but I can’t go on opening myself fully to him when he only gives me Pieces!
Image result for pieces

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

WHILE!



Too often single mothers are accused of being bitter and still stuck on wanting to be with your child’s father, but in my opinion being bitter has nothing to do with it. It’s just all that stress of doing everything by yourself that’s piled up on your shoulders and everybody takes it for attitude. I was inspired to write this post because two people that are very close to me are dealing with two different stages in life that I went through. The first person was dealing with their pregnancy with little to no support from the father. The second person was still staying in a toxic relationship, dealing with little to no support, and basically doing it all by themselves. So in the famous words of Drake I’ll tell those two people that are close to me and to all the other mothers out there doing ya thing “that’s a real one in your reflection without a follow without a mention you really Pimpin up on these n***** we got to be nice for what to look to these n****"

You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I carry this baby I still get up each morning for work
While u stay home and do what u want
While u still have a life and friends
While you come and go as you please
You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I push this baby out bearing all the pain
While my body has changed
While I get up in the middle of the night to nurse the baby
While u lay there as if u don’t hear the cry's
While I still get up at 5am for work
You call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I struggle to pay the bills
While I struggle to figure out where our next meal is coming from
While u spend money on new sneakers, dude are u for real
You may call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I stay home faithfully day in and day out
While I cry each night wondering what I did wrong
While I blame myself
While you're promiscuous
You call me bitter but so what I have the right to be!
While I get fed up
While I find myself worth
While I pack up and leave
While I look in the mirror and tell myself you got this
Watch me leave and never turn back!

Friday, August 10, 2018

My mind is playing tricks on me





Most days I’m up at 6:15 in the morning taking the kids to school, going to work for 8 hours, and most times I’m not off until about 9:30 or  10:00 p.m. After I get off work, I go pick the kids up and then we go home. After having a long day, all I want to do is jump in the bed and go right to sleep. But no, when it comes to my subconscious my mind likes to play tricks on me. As soon as I’m underneath my covers, all cozy, lights and TV off,  kids in the bed, and I’m ready to shut my eyes and go to sleep...Nope, I’m stopped in my tracks because of course my mind starts playing tricks on me. I go from being cozy in my bed, to being stretched wide out, and eyes wide open. Sometimes tossing and turning turns into being balled up trying to find any comfortable position just to get me asleep; but of course my subconscious won’t let me go to sleep because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. My whole day starts to play out in my head like what I could have done, what I should have done, what would have been a better solution to this or that, and I try my hardest to block it all out. Maybe closing my eyes just a little bit tighter might work, but of course it won’t work because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. Next is the list of bills that needs to be paid. What bills can I pay this week? What bill can be put on the back burner? How am I going to get the kids tuition paid this month? Do I have enough money to still have fun with the kids this month? Do I have enough money for the necessities we need to get through this month? At this point I turn to my left side and close my eyes a little tighter hoping I can finally fall asleep, but of course I can’t because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. At this point it's probably going on 12 a.m. in the morning and I’m still up and now I’m thinking about who’s going to watch the kids for me this weekend. Who’s going to pick the kids up for me after school? At this point I’m fed up and I turn to my right side, squeeze my eyes as tight as I can, and hope that maybe I’ll finally fall asleep, but of course I can’t because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. I finally realize I’m not going to sleep so let’s try to find out some type of solution. So I work out most of the problems in my head scheduling bill payments and etc. Just when I thought I had all my problems solved, and I can finally go to sleep, I was wrong because the next problem trickles right down into that spot. So, of course I still can’t sleep because My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me. It’s finally about 1 a.m. and I guess my subconscious is finally deciding to let me be and I finally go to sleep. Now I’m only getting about 7 hours of sleep just because my mind decided it wanted to play tricks on me.



Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Time and Distance




Now, if y'all been following my blog than y'all know that my boyfriend of four years recently moved to Atlanta to join the Atlanta Police department. Now, we're both from Philly and me and the kids stayed behind (Isaiah and Imani are my children). So, Atlanta is 12 hours away driving and more with all the stops in between. Flights are 2 hours, but the way my pockets are set up and the prices of the airlines, I won’t be taking any flights this summer. The day he left y'all, I tried so hard to keep it together because I was trying to be strong and at times I hate showing emotion. I helped him pack up his car, made sure he had everything, and as the time got closer and closer for him to get in that car I just felt all my emotions starting to come to the surface getting ready to boil over. As we stood there hugging, kissing, and saying our "I'll miss u's", my vision started to become blurry and I knew that tears would soon follow; so in that moment I said my last bye and walked away. At that exact moment my mom called me to see what I was up to and that's when the overflow started, and I couldn't keep it bottled up any longer, and I just balled my eyes out. As most moms do, she comforted me and told me everything will be fine. After getting off the phone with her I went to my room and just cried for a few minutes because I couldn't stay sad for long. I had to jump back into mommy mode, get the kids together, and get ready for work. Fast-forward to now, its officially been a month and four days since I seen him and I miss him so much; it’s hard to go from seeing him about 6 days a week, to not seeing him at all. We don't even video chat because we have two different phone services. I'm cheap so I have metro PCs and he has an iPhone. We talk and text everyday, but it’s still not the same as having him right next to me. As the days have gone by it has gotten a little easier accepting that things are different and will be different for a while; although I'm completely and totally ready to make that move to be with him I made a conscience decision not to push the issues and let things happen organically. I'm apart of a woman’s group and I asked the question, "has anyone ever been in a long distance relationship and if so, for how long and did it work out?". The advice I got was that there has to be lots of communication and constant visits and that if we both want this, things will work out naturally. I totally believe that and believe that things will happen in due time (although I needs it to happen now LOL), but I'm willing to take this journey with my honey bunny. And guess what guys?! He's coming home this weekend for my mom’s wedding and I might let y'all know how that goes lol😉😆😏😜

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Best-Friends





I can truly say that as I have gotten older my sisters have become my best friends and I have never felt as close to them as I have felt over the past couple years. Now I’m the oldest of four girls and of course at a young age your sisters can drive you insane; and trust me we did have our moments when we would be at each other throats, fighting and at times not even talking to each other. Even through all that I was still the big sister and sometimes played the second mom role when our mom was working; I would cook dinner, wash clothes and thing I hated the most and they could all tell y’all this and that was braid their hair ugh I hated doing hair; I even messed my sister hair up on purpose once so that my mom would stop making me do their hair, my sister was pissed but it worked LOL. Fast-forward to our adult years and although we had some rough patches we have always been there for one another, being a single mom is 100% hard all the time and my sisters are like three other parents to Isaiah and Imani; they help me when I need someone to watch them so that I can go to work, they help me with expenses, whatever I might need they’re there to help no matter what. I don’t know what I would do without any of them and I’m loving how strong our bonds have gotten over the years. I know I rarely show emotions but I love all my sisters Ebony, Andrea, and Momo, so in the words of Brandy because this song makes me think of yall.
“I don't know what I'd ever do without you
From the beginning to the end
You've always been here by my side
So I'll call you my best friend
Through the good times and the bad ones
Whether I lose or if I win
I know one thing that never changes and
That's you as my best friend”


Tuesday, June 19, 2018

He loves me... He loves me Not!







Is it me or does its seem like most man have no clue what they want out of life. On the other hand, the majority of women at least have an idea what they expect from life and what they expect from their significant other, and I can say I’m part of that majority I already went through a horrible seven-year relationship and gained two wonderful kids from it, but now that, that has been over for about 4 years now I knew what I wanted to gain from my next relationship. So, when I met my current boyfriend I felt in my heart and soul that I found someone with all the qualities I was looking for; someone that I could be myself around, someone that loved me through all my flaws, someone who most importantly loved and cared for my kids, and someone that I could grow with and eventual settle down with and build a family together. When I met my boyfriend I knew that he was pursuing a career in the criminal justice field and I knew being a police officer was at the top of that list, and also knew that he didn’t see his self-pursuing that dream in Philadelphia which meant sooner or later he would have to move, but as the years went by and the desire was still there for him to leave Philly I always assumed that I would be included in that life style change, we even talked about it a few times. so, when he finally got the call from Atlanta PD to join their force I didn’t know what to think although I knew this day would come one day I still wasn’t prepared to deal with heartbreak I felt knowing that he would be 12 hours away from me. I know they say distance is good for the heart but I’m honestly not tryin to hear that; tell me how you go from seeing someone everyday to maybe only seeing them once a month. As these thoughts ran through my head the thoughts of he’s gonna ask you and the kids to come out there with him went through my mind also. As time started to wine down to the last month of him being here he kept talking about the move but none of the plans included me and kids; it got to the point where I just had to flat out ask him “what’s up”? The answer that I got wasn’t what I wanted to hear none of it made sense to me; we been together for 3 years and your still not sure if we should live together, you’re not sure if you’re ready to be a full-time parent, and just a whole bunch of other excuses that made no sense to me and my way I thinking. I don’t know but if the shoe was on the other foot I would want him with me, come be with me lets start a new life somewhere different new scenery for the both of us. Of course, maybe the first year would be rough because we wouldn’t know anybody out there but that comes with time; in my opinion things would be tough and stressful at first but nothing comes easy and you have to work at things. As I’m typing this entry this is actually my last night with him, it hasn’t really hit me yet that I won’t see him for awhile and to be honest I don’t think he has realized how lonely it gonna be in a new city with nobody you know. While I can say that I do love him with every piece of me I can’t and I won’t wait around for too long for him to decide what he really wants out of life and to figure out whose important to him. I’ll be 30 next year and even though that’s still young I know what I want, I want to be married and possibly have more kids and I’m not wasting years trying to figure out if you feel that same way that I feel about you.

Monday, May 28, 2018

Dark Girls! (Melanin Magic)







So, a few days ago I was watching Jada Pinkett Smith new Facebook show Red Table Talk starring herself, her mother Adrienne, and her Daughter Willow, and the topic that week was body confessions. So, a viewer sent in a question about colorism in the black community and Adrienne suggested that everyone watch a documentary called Dark Girls.  So, me being a dark girl myself decided to check out the documentary. So, it was a Friday morning when I decided to watch it and I was at court for work. The doc started off with a beautiful dark skin little girl only about 6 years old, and she said she didn't like being called black; that statement touched me so much because I've felt that way growing up and I felt her pain to the point that I started to get choked up. While watching the show, I could relate to all the testimonies of the women and girls. Growing up being dark skin was not "it". My own personal experience was horrible. It might not have seemed that way to the people looking in because I tend to internalize my feelings making it seem like I’m ok and that’s a habit that I have carried on into adult hood. I grew up in a household full of girls, 7 to be exact and i’m the oldest. I have 3 sisters and 3 cousins and yup I'm the darkest. I take my complexion from my dad and being dark skin never really bothered me until other people started to bring it to my attention. Y’all know that it all starts in school right? I would start to realize that all the light skin girls got all the attention and if you were light with long hair than you were lucky and had no problem getting attention. Next, people would say smart comments like are you from Africa (there’s nothing wrong with being from Africa but yall know what was being implied), you're  too black, and I even got "that’s why you're “crispy from a family member. Y'all don’t get how much I hated myself for being dark, like why me outta everyone? I kinda think that’s why I was so tomboyish because it was better to just be friends with the guys than trying to get them to like, me and that way my feelings wouldn’t get hurt (I needed to have tough skin). I never thought about bleaching my skin, probably because I knew nothing about that, but I would make a conscience decision to stay out of the sun. I wouldn’t go outside until the sun went down and I would do anything to avoid getting darker. I remember one summer I went to the Jersey shore with my family and I love the beach, but this one day I was in the sun a little too long. When I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I knew instantly that I should've left the beach a little earlier; I was so mad on the inside like why would I allow myself to get any darker? Now back to the red table talk question, another viewer asked a question along the lines of how you teach your kids to have confidence if you lack it yourself? Jada said that you have to work on yourself, be happy with yourself, and love yourself before you can teach anything. Your kids feed off your energy and when they see that you love yourself, that energy will transfer on to them. That resonated with me because I have a beautiful chocolate daughter, and I want Imani to feel beautiful in her entirety. I want her to feel comfortable to be who she is regardless of her skin tone and I know it’s only a matter of time before it is brought to her attention. She’s 6 years old and her hair has already been an issue. Imani has tight curly hair that I braid most times and she wears twist, puff balls, and any style that keeps her hair in the natural state. One day Imani came to me and was like, why my hair can’t be like aunt ani (Andrea my sister), and I’m like why does it need to be like that? She said "I like it because her hair is straight and pretty". When she said that, it broke my heart to know that she thinks her hair is less beautiful because it’s not straight. So, I told my sister and she also got choked up and talked to Mani and told her that her hair was beautiful, (such an emotional convo). Seeing how early these situations are affecting young girls and now my daughter, that statement that Jada said made me realize that I have to step up my game and be comfortable with myself and love myself fully. I let both my kids express themselves to the fullest with the way they dress to how they wear their hair; it’s all about self-love and if you love yourself nobody can make you feel different. But just like Jada said, "working on yourself is a work in progress and people's opinions might hurt, but as long as you have the confidence in yourself nobody can break you". So this post is for my Melanin, chocolate drop, beautiful baby girl Imani. Just know that you are good enough no matter what people think of you; you are magical! And to all my fellow dark girls, we have always been beautiful! People have just been too blind to notice, and we've always been winning. #teamchoclate

Friday, May 18, 2018

Dear Dude


I never imagined myself writing this or even caring about this subject. Like most kids in my neighborhood and schools I attended I grew up without my dad, but I was okay with that because I had my pop pop around and I didn't know any different it was normal to me; I never asked for my dad and was just cool with my mom, sisters, and my other family members. Fast forward to when I was 14 years old in my first year of high school on day when I got home my mom told me and my sister she had something to tell us; she sat us down and said that our dad had contacted her and wanted to meet us. My sister was thrilled because she had been praying for this forever, me on the other hand didn't have any particular feelings about it, meeting him was never something I thought I needed; in my mind I was cool, but course I couldn't let my sister do this alone and agreed to the meeting. Upon meeting him we found out that he was married had three kids with his wife and a step daughter. (cool fact lol it's about 10 siblings all together but I have no idea who they are and where they are) Everything went cool for a few months until things started to go bad, he started to break promises and the lies just continued and not even a year into getting to know him the relationship fall off completely. Now its 2018 and I'm 29 years old and I haven't seen my dad in years and him being a part of my life has never phased me because I tend to numb my feelings because I feel like I been hurt to many times to let my feelings flow freely, but now that I'm older and I somewhat stopped being anger I decided to reach out to him and can y'all believe that I he called me from a blocked number, funny right calling your oldest daughter from a blocked number. Since I couldn't talk you again because obviously I don't have your number I'll say it here and you may never see this but I need to get this off my chest. 



Dear Dude,
I'm 29 years old just a reminder to you because you don't know my correct age that day I talked you, anyways like I have said plenty of times I don't need anything from you I have gotten through whole life fine without you around so for you to even think for a min that I reached out to you for something is total BS. Secondly, I hate how you continued to hurt my sister over the years she wanted nothing more than to have a dad around she prayed for you for years and you continued to hurt her over and over again. It’s disappointing that we never got to know our other siblings and now that they are basically grown its difficulty and awkward getting to know them now. Please don't tell me it’s my mom and grandparents fault that you didn't have a relationship with us because they were doing what was best for us and if you really cared you would've been part of our lives. Do you know what’s the biggest slap in the face is that were your oldest and you have never been to one major event our lives and to see you on social media at every event and celebrating every mile stone with your youngest kids is just hurtful at times. Even though I had all those unattached feelings towards you I still made an attempt to say let’s start over and forget everything, and what did you do yup you left me hanging again and I didn't have my hopes up because I wasn't expecting nothing more than less from you but it was still like a dang moment he still playing games after all these years. Now in this moment I letting go all my feelings and freeing myself of you because at least I can say I tried.

PS Dude we're good without you, and you missed out on the best daughters anyone could ask for

Friday, May 11, 2018

Oliver


So, this post is dedicated to my little sister Monique aka Oliver lol well I only call her that but she loves it. So tomorrow my sister will be graduating Indiana university of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree; she has worked so hard to get where she’s at. she was forced to take a semester off because of financial issues but she never let that hold her back. After getting all the financial issues settled she was able to go back and never took any breaks doing every semester she could winter fall spring summer you name it she was enrolled just to make sure she was able to walk across that aisle on time; all while working insane hours. I just can’t believe that my little sister is graduation college I remember when my mom was pregnant with her and how I use to carry her around change her diapers and help feed her. I been telling her for years that I was in charge of her life lol and of course I will always be your first friend (I gotta remind her of this almost every day), but I’m so proud of you Momo and I know there’s nothing but good things coming your way, and I will be monitoring your alcohol intake tonight. Congratulations
Love u Oliver

WHAT IF?





WHAT IF
 I know that I’m not the only mom who has thought about how different their life would’ve have been if you waited just a little longer before having kids. I had two kids before the age of 24 which was fairly young for me because I never planned on having kids so young; I always had plans of going away to college and just living the life of a college student. I always wanted to me married first before I started to have kids and travel a little. I feel guilty sometimes for having the thoughts of thinking “what if” and the path I would’ve took if I just made some slightly different decisions.
v  What if I never met him
v  What if I never broke my promise of waiting to have sex
v  What if I never took him to prom
v  What if I left him after finding out he already had a baby on the way
v  What if I never dropped out of college after finding out I was pregnant
v  What if I left him after losing the first baby I was pregnant with
v  What if I left him after having Isaiah
v  What if I left him after seeing with my own eyes that he was a serial cheater
v  What if I left before getting pregnant with Imani
Thinking about all these what ifs always have me an emotional mess most times and sometimes I’m angry at myself for letting that individual get the best of me; I’m often mad at myself for breaking all my promises and goals that I set for myself as child. I always wanted better for myself because I’m the oldest of four girls and seen the struggles that my mom went through and always had it in the back of my mind that I would never go through the same things and years later I end up being in a situation I never imagined. After thinking about all my what ifs, I just reflect on life and think everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn’t strong enough to handle everything that has been thrown at me I would have been handed this plate. I couldn’t imagine life without my first Isaiah baby lol (inside joke with my sisters) and my sassy Imani although they knew how to drive someone crazy I wouldn’t change having them for the world; they challenge me and make me want to go harder because I know everything I’m doing is to benefit them in the long run. I will conquer all my fears and struggles and be the best mom I know how and put my what ifs to rest and be grateful for my two gifts Isaiah and Imani


Thursday, May 3, 2018

My Love( He's necessary to her so don't let the necessary occur yup!)



So after my last relationship with my kid’s dad I was ready to give up on finding Real Love. (I’ll talk about that volatile relationship in a later post)  Now when your single and have kids it's more of a challenge to find the right one because I refused to bring just anyone around them ,and you also have to take into factor on how your kids vibe with this new person because if your kids don’t like them throw the whole relationship away LOL. I met my honey bunny about 4 years ago (I'll refer to him as such because he's so freaking private lol) and there was just something about him that made me feel completely free; I could be myself around him laugh, joke, be serious and since we worked together he seen that I wasn't afraid to go at it with a shoplifter 😁(we have lots of funny stories about shoplifters) I started to feel a real connection with him and felt like this could be a long term relationship; I'm a sucker for love so I could say a million times that I'm done looking and rather be alone but deep down inside I still want that fairy tale ending and with him I felt like my fairy tale was just getting started. When Isaiah and Imani did finally meet him and get to know him they begin to grow close to him and he became a positive father figure to them and I'm grateful for that. He has made me feel better about myself , he encourages me to reach and achieve my goals, and he also exposes me to so many things I haven't experienced; little thing like taking me on a plane ride for the first time in my life, (He's also made me gain SO much weight lol )my sisters call it happy weight lol.... Now I'm not saying our relationship is perfect because we have our challenges just like any normal couple would, but I truly believe that I've found someone worth being with, it's rare to find a man that willing to love a woman hard and to also love her kids equally hard. I Love you so much for that and I appreciate any and everything you do for me and my crazy kids...... Love you honey bunny😘

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

I don't Belong To U!



Although my blog is geared towards the hard times and also the amazing times we go through as single moms I also wanted my messages to resonate with teenage girls; because most of my issues steam from my teenage years. I became a mom at the age of 20 years old, and even though my relationship was horrible I felt like I needed to stay to prove my family wrong and to also not become a double statistic a young mom and single. Now before I gave birth to my son at 20 I was actually pregnant right outta high school at the age of 18, when I found out I ended up telling my mom by myself because even though my boyfriend at the time told me he would come around so that we could tell my mom together he never showed up and I ended up telling her by myself. That should've been the first sign that he was no good but me being naive and young I stayed with him and gave him a pass. At 12 weeks I ended up losing that baby while in the hospital I felt my baby fall right in my panties, which according to google was the size of a lime and weighed about a half an ounce ; I swear that was one of the worst experiences of my life. After going through that with him I stayed with him; I ask myself all the time why and I know the answer and its because I have always been insecure and just felt lucky that someone was willing to be with me,and trust me I didn't have any luck with boys I was always the tom boy with guy friends but nobody wasn't checking for me Lol. So fast forward 2 years later and I have Isaiah and I went through hell with him, constant cheating, verbal abuse and just all the round making me feel horrible about myself, but because I still had those insecurities and now I had a baby I felt like I need to definitely stay with him. 3 years later I gave birth to my daughter Imani and let me tell y'all having kids will not make anything better if the relationship is already bad;the cheating continued and I was even confronted by a girl who claimed she was also pregnant by him during the same time I was pregnant. You would think that would've been the last straw, but I  went through another year of cheating and verbal abuse. The verbal abuse finally turned into physical and that's when I had to gather myself and draw the line I couldn't and wouldn't allow my kids to witness and grow up in a household like that. I got the courage to pack me and the kids up and go back to my mom . I was devastated because I did want my relationship to work out, but I begin to realize that I checked out of the relationship years ago and was only staying for the kids and to prove a point to my family and that was getting me no where. I was with him from the age of 18 to 24 and during those years he made me feel like he owned me and that nobody else wanted me and deep down I believed that. He told me that I wasn't the prettiest girl,and people always asked why he didn't stay with his first girlfriend because she was thick and light skin. I felt like I needed to stay because I had two kids and what guy wants to deal with a girl with two young kids. I felt I had to stay because I had no confidence in myself and didn't believe there was someone better out there for me.... So I'm here to tell all young girls who might be in the same situation that I was in; please don't stay with anyone who tears you down and makes you feel less than, don't stay because of the kids because you wont be happy and please don't stay because you feel like that's all you deserve. Don't ever let someone think they have control over you and tell them I DON'T BELONG TO U!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

I GOT U!


So it's getting towards the end of the school year and today was progress report conference's; I went into these meetings already knowing what the outcome would be for Isaiah and Imani. Imani is in kindergarten and the work is fairly easy for her; she's being doing good the whole school year so I wasn't expecting nothing less than perfect from her. On the other hand I was nervous for Isaiah because although Isaiah is extremely intelligent he's been struggling with math and I already knew in the back of my head that he would be forced to attend summer school this year in order to move on to the 3rd grade; and of course I was right. Let me give y'all a back a story on Isaiah; as a young child the doctors and myself noticed that Isaiah wasn't talking and at this point he was about 2 years old and only expressing himself through sounds and motions. The doctors suggested that Isaiah should be seen by a speech therapist once a week for a year. After autism was ruled out Isaiah made amazing progress in that program and started talking all day everyday LOL.  Once Isaiah started pre-k he wrote his name for the first time and swear that was one of the proudest moments of my life;I posted that on every social media outlet I had at the time. After having a great year of prek and K Isaiah entered 1st grade and that's when I noticed that Isaiah was writing many of his letters and numbers backwards; I brought this to the attention of his teacher and I was constantly reassured that it was normal and that most kids experience this. Now is at the end of his 2nd grade year and the problem hasn't gotten any better and it seems like no one can give me a straight answer on what to do. I feel like since he's been having this problem other problem are starting to branch off from it ,like his math grade suffering and also his lack of attention. I just feel like a failure sometimes because I don't know exactly what the problem is so in return I cant really get to the root to fully help him. I felt so defeated after I left the meeting that I had to call my sisters because I felt like I just wanted to cry because I feel like I'm failing Isaiah by not knowing what to do. Deep down I know how smart Isaiah is because he tells me so many facts and I'm just sitting there looking at him like how does he know this and I don't he makes me feel stupid at times lol!! I promise myself that whatever is going on with Isaiah we will figure it out together. Isaiah I promise that I will help you reach your fullest potential. 😘

Mommy you gotta work late again?

I'm a mother of two children Isaiah my oldest who is 8 years old and my Daughter Imani who is 6 years old,and every time I hear those words mommy you gotta work late again I immediately feel a rush of guilt come over me. I'm an asset protection investigator at a retail store which is just a fancy name for plans clothes security that apprehend shoplifters. So anyone who has every worked in retail knows exactly what I mean when I say the hours can become crazy especially during the Holiday season. My schedule is different every week and I'm off a different day each week.I take my kids to school every morning but I'm only able to put them up from school on a average of twice a week if that; thank God that my mom is able to pick them up each day after she gets off from work. Most days the store doesn't close until 9:30pm which means I don't leave the building until about 10pm and on top of that I don't have a car so I rely on public transportation most nights. when I finally get to my moms house to get that kids its almost 11pm. Once I get to my mom's house that kids are passed out on the couch and I feel so bad that I have to wake them up and drag them out the house so late. We start our mornings at 6:15am and I know they're sleepy so instead of catching the bus when I have extra money I take a lyft home just to get them in the bed faster. I wish all the time that I didn't have to work this job with these crazy hours, but I doing this alone I pay for their education, I live alone and have tons of bills so I have no choice but to keep this job. At times a cry about this and just hope that one day my kids will understand how much I 've sacrificed to keep them happy and give them what they need.

My name is Tasha


I decided to write this blog as place where I can basically use this as my own public diary.  An outlet to express my self and also for other mothers to express themselves; and hopefully come together to share experiences. 
My hope for this blog is that we can all relate, vent, inspire, and give each other words of encouragement. 

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