Dark Girls! (Melanin Magic)

So, a few days ago I was watching Jada Pinkett Smith new Facebook show Red Table Talk starring herself, her mother Adrienne, and her Daughter Willow, and the topic that week was body confessions. So, a viewer sent in a question about colorism in the black community and Adrienne suggested that everyone watch a documentary called Dark Girls.  So, me being a dark girl myself decided to check out the documentary. So, it was a Friday morning when I decided to watch it and I was at court for work. The doc started off with a beautiful dark skin little girl only about 6 years old, and she said she didn't like being called black; that statement touched me so much because I've felt that way growing up and I felt her pain to the point that I started to get choked up. While watching the show, I could relate to all the testimonies of the women and girls. Growing up being dark skin was not "it". My own personal experience was horrible. It might not have seemed that way to the people looking in because I tend to internalize my feelings making it seem like I’m ok and that’s a habit that I have carried on into adult hood. I grew up in a household full of girls, 7 to be exact and i’m the oldest. I have 3 sisters and 3 cousins and yup I'm the darkest. I take my complexion from my dad and being dark skin never really bothered me until other people started to bring it to my attention. Y’all know that it all starts in school right? I would start to realize that all the light skin girls got all the attention and if you were light with long hair than you were lucky and had no problem getting attention. Next, people would say smart comments like are you from Africa (there’s nothing wrong with being from Africa but yall know what was being implied), you're  too black, and I even got "that’s why you're “crispy from a family member. Y'all don’t get how much I hated myself for being dark, like why me outta everyone? I kinda think that’s why I was so tomboyish because it was better to just be friends with the guys than trying to get them to like, me and that way my feelings wouldn’t get hurt (I needed to have tough skin). I never thought about bleaching my skin, probably because I knew nothing about that, but I would make a conscience decision to stay out of the sun. I wouldn’t go outside until the sun went down and I would do anything to avoid getting darker. I remember one summer I went to the Jersey shore with my family and I love the beach, but this one day I was in the sun a little too long. When I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I knew instantly that I should've left the beach a little earlier; I was so mad on the inside like why would I allow myself to get any darker? Now back to the red table talk question, another viewer asked a question along the lines of how you teach your kids to have confidence if you lack it yourself? Jada said that you have to work on yourself, be happy with yourself, and love yourself before you can teach anything. Your kids feed off your energy and when they see that you love yourself, that energy will transfer on to them. That resonated with me because I have a beautiful chocolate daughter, and I want Imani to feel beautiful in her entirety. I want her to feel comfortable to be who she is regardless of her skin tone and I know it’s only a matter of time before it is brought to her attention. She’s 6 years old and her hair has already been an issue. Imani has tight curly hair that I braid most times and she wears twist, puff balls, and any style that keeps her hair in the natural state. One day Imani came to me and was like, why my hair can’t be like aunt ani (Andrea my sister), and I’m like why does it need to be like that? She said "I like it because her hair is straight and pretty". When she said that, it broke my heart to know that she thinks her hair is less beautiful because it’s not straight. So, I told my sister and she also got choked up and talked to Mani and told her that her hair was beautiful, (such an emotional convo). Seeing how early these situations are affecting young girls and now my daughter, that statement that Jada said made me realize that I have to step up my game and be comfortable with myself and love myself fully. I let both my kids express themselves to the fullest with the way they dress to how they wear their hair; it’s all about self-love and if you love yourself nobody can make you feel different. But just like Jada said, "working on yourself is a work in progress and people's opinions might hurt, but as long as you have the confidence in yourself nobody can break you". So this post is for my Melanin, chocolate drop, beautiful baby girl Imani. Just know that you are good enough no matter what people think of you; you are magical! And to all my fellow dark girls, we have always been beautiful! People have just been too blind to notice, and we've always been winning. #teamchoclate

Dear Dude

I never imagined myself writing this or even caring about this subject. Like most kids in my neighborhood and schools I attended I grew up without my dad, but I was okay with that because I had my pop pop around and I didn't know any different it was normal to me; I never asked for my dad and was just cool with my mom, sisters, and my other family members. Fast forward to when I was 14 years old in my first year of high school on day when I got home my mom told me and my sister she had something to tell us; she sat us down and said that our dad had contacted her and wanted to meet us. My sister was thrilled because she had been praying for this forever, me on the other hand didn't have any particular feelings about it, meeting him was never something I thought I needed; in my mind I was cool, but course I couldn't let my sister do this alone and agreed to the meeting. Upon meeting him we found out that he was married had three kids with his wife and a step daughter. (cool fact lol it's about 10 siblings all together but I have no idea who they are and where they are) Everything went cool for a few months until things started to go bad, he started to break promises and the lies just continued and not even a year into getting to know him the relationship fall off completely. Now its 2018 and I'm 29 years old and I haven't seen my dad in years and him being a part of my life has never phased me because I tend to numb my feelings because I feel like I been hurt to many times to let my feelings flow freely, but now that I'm older and I somewhat stopped being anger I decided to reach out to him and can y'all believe that I he called me from a blocked number, funny right calling your oldest daughter from a blocked number. Since I couldn't talk you again because obviously I don't have your number I'll say it here and you may never see this but I need to get this off my chest. 

Dear Dude,

I'm 29 years old just a reminder to you because you don't know my correct age that day I talked you, anyways like I have said plenty of times I don't need anything from you I have gotten through whole life fine without you around so for you to even think for a min that I reached out to you for something is total BS. Secondly, I hate how you continued to hurt my sister over the years she wanted nothing more than to have a dad around she prayed for you for years and you continued to hurt her over and over again. It’s disappointing that we never got to know our other siblings and now that they are basically grown its difficulty and awkward getting to know them now. Please don't tell me it’s my mom and grandparents fault that you didn't have a relationship with us because they were doing what was best for us and if you really cared you would've been part of our lives. Do you know what’s the biggest slap in the face is that were your oldest and you have never been to one major event our lives and to see you on social media at every event and celebrating every mile stone with your youngest kids is just hurtful at times. Even though I had all those unattached feelings towards you I still made an attempt to say let’s start over and forget everything, and what did you do yup you left me hanging again and I didn't have my hopes up because I wasn't expecting nothing more than less from you but it was still like a dang moment he still playing games after all these years. Now in this moment I letting go all my feelings and freeing myself of you because at least I can say I tried.

PS Dude we're good without you, and you missed out on the best daughters anyone could ask for

Oliver

So, this post is dedicated to my little sister Monique aka Oliver lol well I only call her that but she loves it. So tomorrow my sister will be graduating Indiana university of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree; she has worked so hard to get where she’s at. she was forced to take a semester off because of financial issues but she never let that hold her back. After getting all the financial issues settled she was able to go back and never took any breaks doing every semester she could winter fall spring summer you name it she was enrolled just to make sure she was able to walk across that aisle on time; all while working insane hours. I just can’t believe that my little sister is graduation college I remember when my mom was pregnant with her and how I use to carry her around change her diapers and help feed her. I been telling her for years that I was in charge of her life lol and of course I will always be your first friend (I gotta remind her of this almost every day), but I’m so proud of you Momo and I know there’s nothing but good things coming your way, and I will be monitoring your alcohol intake tonight. Congratulations

Love u Oliver

WHAT IF?

WHAT IF

 I know that I’m not the only mom who has thought about how different their life would’ve have been if you waited just a little longer before having kids. I had two kids before the age of 24 which was fairly young for me because I never planned on having kids so young; I always had plans of going away to college and just living the life of a college student. I always wanted to me married first before I started to have kids and travel a little. I feel guilty sometimes for having the thoughts of thinking “what if” and the path I would’ve took if I just made some slightly different decisions.

v  What if I never met him

v  What if I never broke my promise of waiting to have sex

v  What if I never took him to prom

v  What if I left him after finding out he already had a baby on the way

v  What if I never dropped out of college after finding out I was pregnant

v  What if I left him after losing the first baby I was pregnant with

v  What if I left him after having Isaiah

v  What if I left him after seeing with my own eyes that he was a serial cheater

v  What if I left before getting pregnant with Imani

Thinking about all these what ifs always have me an emotional mess most times and sometimes I’m angry at myself for letting that individual get the best of me; I’m often mad at myself for breaking all my promises and goals that I set for myself as child. I always wanted better for myself because I’m the oldest of four girls and seen the struggles that my mom went through and always had it in the back of my mind that I would never go through the same things and years later I end up being in a situation I never imagined. After thinking about all my what ifs, I just reflect on life and think everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn’t strong enough to handle everything that has been thrown at me I would have been handed this plate. I couldn’t imagine life without my first Isaiah baby lol (inside joke with my sisters) and my sassy Imani although they knew how to drive someone crazy I wouldn’t change having them for the world; they challenge me and make me want to go harder because I know everything I’m doing is to benefit them in the long run. I will conquer all my fears and struggles and be the best mom I know how and put my what ifs to rest and be grateful for my two gifts Isaiah and Imani

My Love( He's necessary to her so don't let the necessary occur yup!)

So after my last relationship with my kid’s dad I was ready to give up on finding Real Love. (I’ll talk about that volatile relationship in a later post)  Now when your single and have kids it's more of a challenge to find the right one because I refused to bring just anyone around them ,and you also have to take into factor on how your kids vibe with this new person because if your kids don’t like them throw the whole relationship away LOL. I met my honey bunny about 4 years ago (I'll refer to him as such because he's so freaking private lol) and there was just something about him that made me feel completely free; I could be myself around him laugh, joke, be serious and since we worked together he seen that I wasn't afraid to go at it with a shoplifter 😁(we have lots of funny stories about shoplifters) I started to feel a real connection with him and felt like this could be a long term relationship; I'm a sucker for love so I could say a million times that I'm done looking and rather be alone but deep down inside I still want that fairy tale ending and with him I felt like my fairy tale was just getting started. When Isaiah and Imani did finally meet him and get to know him they begin to grow close to him and he became a positive father figure to them and I'm grateful for that. He has made me feel better about myself , he encourages me to reach and achieve my goals, and he also exposes me to so many things I haven't experienced; little thing like taking me on a plane ride for the first time in my life, (He's also made me gain SO much weight lol )my sisters call it happy weight lol.... Now I'm not saying our relationship is perfect because we have our challenges just like any normal couple would, but I truly believe that I've found someone worth being with, it's rare to find a man that willing to love a woman hard and to also love her kids equally hard. I Love you so much for that and I appreciate any and everything you do for me and my crazy kids...... Love you honey bunny😘

I don't Belong To U!

Although my blog is geared towards the hard times and also the amazing times we go through as single moms I also wanted my messages to resonate with teenage girls; because most of my issues steam from my teenage years. I became a mom at the age of 20 years old, and even though my relationship was horrible I felt like I needed to stay to prove my family wrong and to also not become a double statistic a young mom and single. Now before I gave birth to my son at 20 I was actually pregnant right outta high school at the age of 18, when I found out I ended up telling my mom by myself because even though my boyfriend at the time told me he would come around so that we could tell my mom together he never showed up and I ended up telling her by myself. That should've been the first sign that he was no good but me being naive and young I stayed with him and gave him a pass. At 12 weeks I ended up losing that baby while in the hospital I felt my baby fall right in my panties, which according to google was the size of a lime and weighed about a half an ounce ; I swear that was one of the worst experiences of my life. After going through that with him I stayed with him; I ask myself all the time why and I know the answer and its because I have always been insecure and just felt lucky that someone was willing to be with me,and trust me I didn't have any luck with boys I was always the tom boy with guy friends but nobody wasn't checking for me Lol. So fast forward 2 years later and I have Isaiah and I went through hell with him, constant cheating, verbal abuse and just all the round making me feel horrible about myself, but because I still had those insecurities and now I had a baby I felt like I need to definitely stay with him. 3 years later I gave birth to my daughter Imani and let me tell y'all having kids will not make anything better if the relationship is already bad;the cheating continued and I was even confronted by a girl who claimed she was also pregnant by him during the same time I was pregnant. You would think that would've been the last straw, but I  went through another year of cheating and verbal abuse. The verbal abuse finally turned into physical and that's when I had to gather myself and draw the line I couldn't and wouldn't allow my kids to witness and grow up in a household like that. I got the courage to pack me and the kids up and go back to my mom . I was devastated because I did want my relationship to work out, but I begin to realize that I checked out of the relationship years ago and was only staying for the kids and to prove a point to my family and that was getting me no where. I was with him from the age of 18 to 24 and during those years he made me feel like he owned me and that nobody else wanted me and deep down I believed that. He told me that I wasn't the prettiest girl,and people always asked why he didn't stay with his first girlfriend because she was thick and light skin. I felt like I needed to stay because I had two kids and what guy wants to deal with a girl with two young kids. I felt I had to stay because I had no confidence in myself and didn't believe there was someone better out there for me.... So I'm here to tell all young girls who might be in the same situation that I was in; please don't stay with anyone who tears you down and makes you feel less than, don't stay because of the kids because you wont be happy and please don't stay because you feel like that's all you deserve. Don't ever let someone think they have control over you and tell them I DON'T BELONG TO U!