So, a few days ago I was
watching Jada Pinkett Smith new Facebook show Red Table Talk starring herself,
her mother Adrienne, and her Daughter Willow, and the topic that week was body
confessions. So, a viewer sent in a question about colorism in the black
community and Adrienne suggested that everyone watch a documentary called Dark
Girls. So, me being a dark girl myself decided to check out the
documentary. So, it was a Friday morning when I decided to watch it and I was at court
for work. The doc started off with a beautiful dark skin little girl only about
6 years old, and she said she didn't like being called black; that statement
touched me so much because I've felt that way growing up and I felt her pain to
the point that I started to get choked up. While watching the show, I could
relate to all the testimonies of the women and girls. Growing up being dark
skin was not "it". My own personal experience was horrible. It might
not have seemed that way to the people looking in because I tend to internalize
my feelings making it seem like I’m ok and that’s a habit that I have carried
on into adult hood. I grew up in a household full of girls, 7 to be exact and
i’m the oldest. I have 3 sisters and 3 cousins and yup I'm the darkest. I take
my complexion from my dad and being dark skin never really bothered me until
other people started to bring it to my attention. Y’all know that it all starts
in school right? I would start to realize that all the light skin girls got all
the attention and if you were light with long hair than you were lucky and had
no problem getting attention. Next, people would say smart comments like are
you from Africa (there’s nothing wrong with being from Africa but yall know
what was being implied), you're too black, and I even got "that’s
why you're “crispy from a family member. Y'all don’t get how much I hated
myself for being dark, like why me outta everyone? I kinda think that’s why I
was so tomboyish because it was better to just be friends with the guys than
trying to get them to like, me and that way my feelings wouldn’t get hurt (I
needed to have tough skin). I never thought about bleaching my skin, probably
because I knew nothing about that, but I would make a conscience decision to
stay out of the sun. I wouldn’t go outside until the sun went down and I would
do anything to avoid getting darker. I remember one summer I went to the Jersey
shore with my family and I love the beach, but this one day I was in the sun a
little too long. When I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror I knew
instantly that I should've left the beach a little earlier; I was so mad on the
inside like why would I allow myself to get any darker? Now back to the red
table talk question, another viewer asked a question along the lines of how you
teach your kids to have confidence if you lack it yourself? Jada said that
you have to work on yourself, be happy with yourself, and love yourself before
you can teach anything. Your kids feed off your energy and when they see that
you love yourself, that energy will transfer on to them. That resonated with me
because I have a beautiful chocolate daughter, and I want Imani to feel
beautiful in her entirety. I want her to feel comfortable to be who she is
regardless of her skin tone and I know it’s only a matter of time before it is
brought to her attention. She’s 6 years old and her hair has already been an
issue. Imani has tight curly hair that I braid most times and she wears twist,
puff balls, and any style that keeps her hair in the natural state. One day
Imani came to me and was like, why my hair can’t be like aunt ani (Andrea my
sister), and I’m like why does it need to be like that? She said "I like
it because her hair is straight and pretty". When she said that, it broke
my heart to know that she thinks her hair is less beautiful because it’s not
straight. So, I told my sister and she also got choked up and talked to Mani
and told her that her hair was beautiful, (such an emotional convo). Seeing how
early these situations are affecting young girls and now my daughter, that
statement that Jada said made me realize that I have to step up my game and be
comfortable with myself and love myself fully. I let both my kids express
themselves to the fullest with the way they dress to how they wear their hair;
it’s all about self-love and if you love yourself nobody can make you feel
different. But just like Jada said, "working on yourself is a work in
progress and people's opinions might hurt, but as long as you have the
confidence in yourself nobody can break you". So this post is for my
Melanin, chocolate drop, beautiful baby girl Imani. Just know that you are good
enough no matter what people think of you; you are magical! And to all my
fellow dark girls, we have always been beautiful! People have just been too
blind to notice, and we've always been winning. #teamchoclate
A place where women can relate, vent, inspire, and give each other words of encouragement!
Monday, May 28, 2018
Friday, May 18, 2018
Dear Dude
I never imagined myself writing this or even caring about this
subject. Like most kids in my neighborhood and schools I attended I grew up
without my dad, but I was okay with that because I had my pop pop around and I
didn't know any different it was normal to me; I never asked for my dad and was
just cool with my mom, sisters, and my other family members. Fast forward to
when I was 14 years old in my first year of high school on day when I got home
my mom told me and my sister she had something to tell us; she sat us down and
said that our dad had contacted her and wanted to meet us. My sister was
thrilled because she had been praying for this forever, me on the other hand
didn't have any particular feelings about it, meeting him was never something I
thought I needed; in my mind I was cool, but course I couldn't let my sister do
this alone and agreed to the meeting. Upon meeting him we found out that he was
married had three kids with his wife and a step daughter. (cool fact lol it's
about 10 siblings all together but I have no idea who they are and where they are)
Everything went cool for a few months until things started to go bad, he
started to break promises and the lies just continued and not even a year into
getting to know him the relationship fall off completely. Now its 2018 and I'm
29 years old and I haven't seen my dad in years and him being a part of my life
has never phased me because I tend to numb my feelings because I feel like I
been hurt to many times to let my feelings flow freely, but now that I'm older
and I somewhat stopped being anger I decided to reach out to him and can y'all
believe that I he called me from a blocked number, funny right calling your
oldest daughter from a blocked number. Since I couldn't talk you again because
obviously I don't have your number I'll say it here and you may never see this
but I need to get this off my chest.
Dear Dude,
I'm 29 years old just a
reminder to you because you don't know my correct age that day I talked you,
anyways like I have said plenty of times I don't need anything from you I have
gotten through whole life fine without you around so for you to even think for
a min that I reached out to you for something is total BS. Secondly, I hate how you
continued to hurt my sister over the years she wanted nothing more than to have
a dad around she prayed for you for years and you continued to hurt her over
and over again. It’s disappointing that we never got to know our other siblings
and now that they are basically grown its difficulty and awkward getting to
know them now. Please don't tell me it’s my mom and grandparents fault that you
didn't have a relationship with us because they were doing what was best for us
and if you really cared you would've been part of our lives. Do you know what’s
the biggest slap in the face is that were your oldest and you have never been
to one major event our lives and to see you on social media at every event and
celebrating every mile stone with your youngest kids is just hurtful at times.
Even though I had all those unattached feelings towards you I still made
an attempt to say let’s start over and forget everything, and what did you do
yup you left me hanging again and I didn't have my hopes up because I wasn't expecting nothing more
than less from you but it was still like a dang moment he still playing
games after all these years. Now in this moment I letting go all my feelings
and freeing myself of you because at least I can say I tried.
PS Dude we're good without you,
and you missed out on the best daughters anyone could ask for
Friday, May 11, 2018
Oliver
So, this post is dedicated to my little sister Monique aka Oliver
lol well I only call her that but she loves it. So tomorrow my sister will be
graduating Indiana university of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree; she has
worked so hard to get where she’s at. she was forced to take a semester off
because of financial issues but she never let that hold her back. After getting
all the financial issues settled she was able to go back and never took any
breaks doing every semester she could winter fall spring summer you name it she
was enrolled just to make sure she was able to walk across that aisle on time;
all while working insane hours. I just can’t believe that my little sister is graduation
college I remember when my mom was pregnant with her and how I use to carry her
around change her diapers and help feed her. I been telling her for years that
I was in charge of her life lol and of course I will always be your first
friend (I gotta remind her of this almost every day), but I’m so proud of you Momo
and I know there’s nothing but good things coming your way, and I will be monitoring
your alcohol intake tonight. Congratulations
Love u Oliver
WHAT IF?
WHAT IF
I know
that I’m not the only mom who has thought about how different their life would’ve
have been if you waited just a little longer before having kids. I had two kids
before the age of 24 which was fairly young for me because I never planned on
having kids so young; I always had plans of going away to college and just
living the life of a college student. I always wanted to me married first
before I started to have kids and travel a little. I feel guilty sometimes for
having the thoughts of thinking “what if” and the path I would’ve took if I
just made some slightly different decisions.
v What
if I never met him
v What
if I never broke my promise of waiting to have sex
v What
if I never took him to prom
v What
if I left him after finding out he already had a baby on the way
v What
if I never dropped out of college after finding out I was pregnant
v What
if I left him after losing the first baby I was pregnant with
v What
if I left him after having Isaiah
v What
if I left him after seeing with my own eyes that he was a serial cheater
v What
if I left before getting pregnant with Imani
Thinking about all these what ifs always have me
an emotional mess most times and sometimes I’m angry at myself for letting that
individual get the best of me; I’m often mad at myself for breaking all my
promises and goals that I set for myself as child. I always wanted better for
myself because I’m the oldest of four girls and seen the struggles that my mom
went through and always had it in the back of my mind that I would never go
through the same things and years later I end up being in a situation I never
imagined. After thinking about all my what ifs, I just reflect on life and
think everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn’t strong enough to handle
everything that has been thrown at me I would have been handed this plate. I
couldn’t imagine life without my first Isaiah baby lol (inside joke with my
sisters) and my sassy Imani although they knew how to drive someone crazy I
wouldn’t change having them for the world; they challenge me and make me want
to go harder because I know everything I’m doing is to benefit them in the long
run. I will conquer all my fears and struggles and be the best mom I know how
and put my what ifs to rest and be grateful for my two gifts Isaiah and Imani
Thursday, May 3, 2018
My Love( He's necessary to her so don't let the necessary occur yup!)
So after my last relationship with my kid’s dad I was ready to give up on finding Real Love. (I’ll talk about that volatile relationship in a later post) Now when your single and have kids it's more of a challenge to find the right one because I refused to bring just anyone around them ,and you also have to take into factor on how your kids vibe with this new person because if your kids don’t like them throw the whole relationship away LOL. I met my honey bunny about 4 years ago (I'll refer to him as such because he's so freaking private lol) and there was just something about him that made me feel completely free; I could be myself around him laugh, joke, be serious and since we worked together he seen that I wasn't afraid to go at it with a shoplifter 😁(we have lots of funny stories about shoplifters) I started to feel a real connection with him and felt like this could be a long term relationship; I'm a sucker for love so I could say a million times that I'm done looking and rather be alone but deep down inside I still want that fairy tale ending and with him I felt like my fairy tale was just getting started. When Isaiah and Imani did finally meet him and get to know him they begin to grow close to him and he became a positive father figure to them and I'm grateful for that. He has made me feel better about myself , he encourages me to reach and achieve my goals, and he also exposes me to so many things I haven't experienced; little thing like taking me on a plane ride for the first time in my life, (He's also made me gain SO much weight lol )my sisters call it happy weight lol.... Now I'm not saying our relationship is perfect because we have our challenges just like any normal couple would, but I truly believe that I've found someone worth being with, it's rare to find a man that willing to love a woman hard and to also love her kids equally hard. I Love you so much for that and I appreciate any and everything you do for me and my crazy kids...... Love you honey bunny😘
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
I don't Belong To U!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
I CAN'T SEE THEM COMING DOWN MY EYES
I CAN’T SEE THEM COMING DOWN MY EYES Another night of tossing and turning And of course, my thoughts are on full blast Why no...

-
I CAN’T SEE THEM COMING DOWN MY EYES Another night of tossing and turning And of course, my thoughts are on full blast Why no...
-
Being from, West Philly 56th and Girard to be exact, as a child I never have seen any opportunities that were geared towards the c...
-
So it's getting towards the end of the school year and today was progress report conference's; I went into these meetings alrea...
