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Friday, May 11, 2018

WHAT IF?





WHAT IF
 I know that I’m not the only mom who has thought about how different their life would’ve have been if you waited just a little longer before having kids. I had two kids before the age of 24 which was fairly young for me because I never planned on having kids so young; I always had plans of going away to college and just living the life of a college student. I always wanted to me married first before I started to have kids and travel a little. I feel guilty sometimes for having the thoughts of thinking “what if” and the path I would’ve took if I just made some slightly different decisions.
v  What if I never met him
v  What if I never broke my promise of waiting to have sex
v  What if I never took him to prom
v  What if I left him after finding out he already had a baby on the way
v  What if I never dropped out of college after finding out I was pregnant
v  What if I left him after losing the first baby I was pregnant with
v  What if I left him after having Isaiah
v  What if I left him after seeing with my own eyes that he was a serial cheater
v  What if I left before getting pregnant with Imani
Thinking about all these what ifs always have me an emotional mess most times and sometimes I’m angry at myself for letting that individual get the best of me; I’m often mad at myself for breaking all my promises and goals that I set for myself as child. I always wanted better for myself because I’m the oldest of four girls and seen the struggles that my mom went through and always had it in the back of my mind that I would never go through the same things and years later I end up being in a situation I never imagined. After thinking about all my what ifs, I just reflect on life and think everything happens for a reason and that if I wasn’t strong enough to handle everything that has been thrown at me I would have been handed this plate. I couldn’t imagine life without my first Isaiah baby lol (inside joke with my sisters) and my sassy Imani although they knew how to drive someone crazy I wouldn’t change having them for the world; they challenge me and make me want to go harder because I know everything I’m doing is to benefit them in the long run. I will conquer all my fears and struggles and be the best mom I know how and put my what ifs to rest and be grateful for my two gifts Isaiah and Imani


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